in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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