There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
