she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
