I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
