Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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