Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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