I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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