i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
