the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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