im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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