why didn't you poke me back
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
