She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
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a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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