dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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