if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
