Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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