thus making me awesome and them whores
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
