i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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