and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
