dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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