After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
