i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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