I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think my fart just growled at me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I supernannyed him into submission
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
