you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
