I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
