theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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