We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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