God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
