you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
