I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
is wine microwaveable?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
