i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine