whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home