and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
