Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
