just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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