My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
