I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
