My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
