Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
