Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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