I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
