You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
