Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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