My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
