I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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