it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
