I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
