So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I smell like Dick and happiness
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
