proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize