i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
