Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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