I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
