Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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