So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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