I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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