dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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