just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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