when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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