It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
