Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
