My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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