I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
