How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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